And Then the Winchesters Shot Them

 In a comment on a Tumblr post, audreyii-fic posits, "This brings back my thesis that every fanfic — every fanfic on every subject in every fandom — can be improved by adding 'And then the Winchesters shot them' to the last line."

The Winchesters being the protagonists of the longstanding show Supernatural. As the title suggests, the two brothers, Sam and Dean, hunt supernatural creatures, asking questions only until they know who to shoot. Or set on fire. Or stab with a customized pointy object. Whatever. Basically, everyone and everything they touch dies. But that's not important. What's important is that audreyii-fic's thesis works just as well on books as it does on fanfiction, though first-person is a little tricky.

Earlier this morning, I spent about ten minutes perusing my bookshelves and giggling to myself as the Winchesters summarily massacred the Potter-Weasley clan, the Gamgees, the Darcy-Gardiner party, and most importantly, Bella Swan. (Or her legs. The grammar is a bit dodgy.)

In the pursuit of forcing others to suffer the same unbecoming snorts of laughter that I have been at the glorious visuals alone, I've compiled a list of improved quotes below. They are relatively spoiler-free, but I've put the book title before the quote so you can skip the ones you haven't read before.

• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling: "'He'll be all right,' murmured Ginny. / As Harry looked at her, he lowered his hand absentmindedly and touched the lightning scar on his forehead. / 'I know he will.'/ The scar had not pained Harry for nineteen years. All was well. And then the Winchesters shot them."

• The Return of the King by J.R.R. Tolkien: "And Rose drew [Sam] in, and set him in his chair, and put little Elanor upon his lap. / He drew in a breath. 'Well, I'm back,' he said. And then the Winchesters shot them." 

• Eclipse by Stephenie Meyer: "[Bella] pushed [her] legs faster, letting Jacob Black disappear behind [her]. And then the Winchesters shot them."

• City of Glass by Cassandra Clare: "[Clary] looked as the fireworks exploded in a shower of sparks – sparks that painted the clouds overhead as they fell, one by one, in streaking lines of golden fire, like angels falling from the sky. And then the Winchesters shot them."

• The Last Olympian by Rick Riordan: "'Race you to the road?' [Percy] said. / 'You are so going to lose.' [Annabeth] took off down Half-Blood Hill and [Percy] sprinted after her. / For once, [he] didn't look back. And then the Winchesters shot them."

• The Bad Beginning by Lemony Snicket: "The Baudelaires bunched up together against the cold night air, and kept waving out the back window. The car drove farther and farther away, until Justice Strauss was merely a speck in the darkness, and it seemed to the children that they were moving in an aberrant – the word 'aberrant' here means 'very, very wrong, and causing much grief' – direction. And then the Winchesters shot them."

• The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown: "With a sudden upwelling of reverence, Robert Langdon fell to his knees. / For a moment, he thought he heard a woman's voice... the wisdom of the ages... whispering up from the chasms of the earth. And then the Winchesters shot him."

• Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green & David Levithan: "the applause continues. i look at tiny cooper. / he may be heavy, but right now he floats. and then the winchesters shoot him." 

• The Last Battle by C.S. Lewis: "And for us this is truly the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in the world and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story which no one on earth has read: which goes on forever: in which every chapter is better than the one before. And then the Winchesters shot them."

• Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë: "I lingered round them, under that benign sky: watched the moths fluttering among the heath and harebells, listened to the soft wind breathing through the grass, and wondered how anyone could ever imagine unquiet slumbers for the sleepers in that quiet earth. And then the Winchesters shot them."

• Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen: "With the Gardiners, they were always on the most intimate terms. Darcy, as well as Elizabeth, really loved them; and they were both ever sensible of the warmest gratitude towards the persons who, by bringing her into Derbyshire, had been the means of uniting them. And then the Winchesters shot them."

• Little Women by Louisa May Alcott: "Touched to the heart, Mrs. March could only stretch out her arms, as if to gather her children and grandchildren to herself, and say, with face and voice full of motherly love, gratitude, and humility – / 'Oh, my girls, however long you may live, I never can wish for a greater happiness than this!' And then the Winchesters shot them."

• Dracula by Bram Stoker: "Van Helsing summed it all up as he said, with our boy on his knee: 'We want no proofs; we ask none to believe us! This boy will someday know what a brave and gallant woman his mother is. Already he knows her sweetness and loving care; later on he will understand how some men so loved her, that they did dare so much for her sake. And then the Winchesters shot them.'"   

• The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame: "But when the infants were fractious and quite beyond control, [the mother weasels] would quiet them by telling how, if they didn't hush them and not fret them, the terrible grey Badger would up and get them. This was a base libel on Badger, who, though he cared little about Society, was rather fond of children; but it never failed to have its full effect. And then the Winchesters shot them."

• The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett: "Across the lawn came the Master of Misselthwaite and he looked as many of them had never seen him. And by his side with his head up in the air and his eyes full of laughter walked as strongly and steadily as any boy in Yorkshire – Master Colin! And then the Winchesters shot them."